Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The Fight of the Mind

I have changed this camp, forever. Giving up sugar and concentrating on training has definitely cleared my mind. I quit two jobs during this camp, accepted another, and am applying to two more.

This is a personal one. Tomorrow is our final day of training before the weight cut and and weigh-in.

Fighting is mental. The physical is secondary. My body has failed me with my shoulder and difficulty cutting weight despite a clean diet. Everything else has been mental.

The last couple of weeks I'd experienced increasing frustration and my body was weakening. I began to wonder if it was a problem between the ears more than on the mats.

So I sent a couple more texts from the heart since those sorts of things left unsaid or expressed tend to manifest themselves if not with the mind and mouth, by forcing their way out and destroying your body.

I also saw a person I never wanted to see again last week. It had become clear to me I needed to see him to have peace and to know how I still felt seeing him face to face. And I felt nothing. It was as if I had never left except I felt some pity for him having made the choices he had made. It has been a reminder to make decisions in my own life differently. It was a bookend to a shaping but heartbreaking chapter of my life.

None of this I say is to divulge personal information better left unsaid. This is a way for me to look back and see where I was during this camp and in life but also because I am unabashed in my own life story. If I am telling it, eons of thoughts and emotions have been processed.

I was in love once. My little dog curls up in my lap. I am struggling to find out what to do in life. This fight camp has changed my life more than a little. I am lucky to be here. Lucky to fight.

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