Secret Time! There's this meme that circulates every woman loves that goes, "Do you ever start crying about something and then the next day you get your period and you're like I knew I wasn't a weak ass bitch."
And this makes us feel like Wonder Woman to realize this. I suspected that was happening this past week but also knew it was Week 6 of camp and was under some stress/lack of routine. Turns out I was right.
Today is so much better. Still about 5# above weight, but suspect it's largely water weight. I dropped from 161.2 (after water, a banana, and coffee) to 159 after barely sweating in conditioning. This is good. That means I should have to sweat out about 3-4 pounds and some of the lady problems will have abated by the end of the week which will cut water weight a little more, so I hope.
I've also been taking more time to be "mindful". Reading some before bed, and not checking social media immediately after waking up. It's such a drag my alarm is on my phone but I think I need it. So today I listened to some classical music and read out of my notebook where I write down anything I've loved in a book.
Favorite this morning was from Mary Oliver's book Blue Horses.
I don’t want to be demure or respectable.
I was that way, asleep, for years.That way, you forget too many important things.
How the little stones, even if you can’t hear them, are singing.
How the river can’t wait to get to the ocean and the sky, it’s been there before.
What traveling is that!
It is a joy to imagine such distances.
I could skip sleep for the next hundred years.
There is a fire in the lashes of my eyes...
It is the fucking worst to not know if a night like Thursday is hormonal or your new norm and you're now going to just be a psycho. Your body basically fucks you over. I have probably the easiest time of anyone I know but still usually have the worst feelings of self-doubt, "what am I doing with my life" ruminations, and feeling like I swallowed a water balloon whole.
Tonight is also my last night at a job I quit a month ago that's prevented me from going to the gym every night and sucked every weekend night out of my life since January. Tonight is also UFC 205.
Hoping this upward feeling continues this week as I start a new job coaching and prepare mentally for the fight...
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This is crazy! I'm fighting a chick in a cage. A CAGE. A FIGHT. Forget the cage- I've trained to fight another human being that's had 5x the fights I've had.
Today a fellow jiu-jitsu guy posted, "The true warrior fights not because he hates the one in front of him but because he loves those behind him."
Some people get all fired up about wanting to kill their opponent, or destroy them and focus negative energy towards them. At least it seems like it. But I don't know this woman and bear no ill will towards her. To me she is another warrior in this sport, we just happen to be contending one another this time. I've been reading about love lately. Actually, I have always read about love because it's fascinating. It literally alters our minds. It makes no sense and is still the most powerful, driving force in the universe.
I posted earlier in camp from Sam Sheridan's book "The Fighter's Heart" that if you get a dog that loves to fight, he'll fight for forty-five minutes because of love and his heart is in it.
I've always thought about fighting as a need to get out angst and frustration and deal with hurt and pain that's in me, but that comes out of you in training with discipline and learning what matters in life. How to accept things we cannot change and find courage to change things we can. When it's finally come down to a fight, I'm here because I feel made to fight. Created to fight. I love training. I love Muay Thai and jiu jitsu and learning throws and how the body works.
So going into this week, I'm focusing on the privilege of being able to fight. I have arms and legs and the ability to have come this far. I've overcome sickness, injury, issues with getting blood testing, and bad days. I'm here because I've fought to be here. I've stayed because I love this realm of athleticism.
I am fighting because of love. And I can't wait to fight.
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