Once I was afraid of feeling happy or sad so I didn't feel anything for a long time. Then I slowly let my heart make a decision here and there and I started to love things. With love came great pain but I was shocked to discover it had been worthwhile. So I allowed my heart to make more decisions, which led to heartbreak. Which led to being vulnerable and courageous. Still, the lessons learned were worth the pain.
Today marks two weeks until weigh-ins. I haven't cried after sparring yet, but am waiting for it. Maybe not for this fight, but I still am only breaking into hard-sparring. Caroline said it would come.
There's been hard nights. Harder in rolling than sparring but that's more since I rolled harder first and grappled with shoulder and back pain that left me frustrated to tears. Your body and mind adapts. But some nights the feeling of inadequacy hits. The moment that sets in on you as a spectre in the dark might as you focus your energy on regulating your racing heart with ragged, shuddering breaths. You're beaten, worse still, feel ill-equipped for the fight. Not the fight in the ring, but The Fight. The fight as an entity of itself. A roll on the mat, a single sparring session. You question if you belong, when so many others have been in it for years. Or you question if you should have pushed an injury further and maybe it's only your mind that keeps you from progressing and not just taking the pain.
Yesterday I felt amazing. Easily the best I've felt in weeks if not since I quit a job I hated and we have the 10th Planet East Coast Training Camp this weekend at the gym.
Tonight was hard. My pinky toes tend to split open on the bottom and the right one has been tearing. Probably has to do with training since I'm also close to losing both toenails. The other pinky toe is a good ⅓ larger than the other but the bruising is showing up and spilled onto my foot which is good. The left knee is also bruised and my hips are really tight.
By the end I felt beat and couldn't roll. Coach said it's too close to my fight.
Zach Maslany of 10th Planet Bethlehem/Finishers MMA and our resident ass Scott taught tonight. Scott is the guy in a war movie who is a total asshole sergeant but would probably do anything for one of his men.
I was heavy- 163.8 so during rolling hopped on the air dyne for half an hour and after 2 quarts of water was still down to 162.
Note to self: : evening- bedtime is the witching hour for food and eating.