Sunday, September 4, 2016

Wouldn't it Be Nice

When I was little and heard you had to pick something to do as an old person for a long time, I wanted to be a veterinarian. You could be with animals all the time, help them when they're sick, and get paid. No brainer. Then eleven hit and around there and our family dog was put to sleep and someone mentioned that was a veterinarian's job too and I was done with that dream.

I can't remember what I changed my mind to, if anything. A couple of years later I remember sitting in a small counselor's office filling out some personality forms because I was depressed. There was a fan in the corner and the carpet was old and pale blue. This form asked if the possibility of being an FBI agent appealed to me and I blacked out the "strongly agree"bubble. The questionnaire was recorded and the results printed in relation to everyone else who had taken the test, presumably in that office since it amount to around 1,000 people. There were a few bubbles in the far left to the low risk, 90% in the middle somewhere, and three dots to the far right near the end of the chart. I was third. Somehow a depressed teenage girl who was petrified of rollercoasters and mice had scored third highest ever. This made me wonder, "Who are these other people in the middle?"

Here I sit, fourteen years later at 27, and I haven't come up with anything after being a veterinarian. I ride motorcycles and train kickboxing/jiu jitsu/MMA. I was the first in my family to travel anywhere and to the same Christmas dinner don camouflage pants and a velvet dress with a lace collar.

I'd be nice to:
Travel, but not alone, because it's a lonely life to wander without someone else's plate to eat off of.
Fall in love, but not with just anyone, with someone I can tolerate.
Run a business, but not just for money, because that can shorten your life.

Does it take a traumatic accident or event to act as a catalyst in one's life towards deciding what path to choose?
How the fuck do people know what they want to do?
Do they not question everything?

My dad and I sat down to talk about some business ideas and how I don't know what to do with my life right now. I ended up holding my own against my own emotions and did not full on cry. I said I sometimes wish I was different. That I didn't question everything and was an idiot or happy to be a pretty face and do the American Dream and be "normal".

It's never easy to be different. It's not easy to constantly ask why things are done and how to do things. It's not easy to have some answers and not others. I can see why relationships fail, people don't get promoted at work, and why I don't have much money in the bank.

It's like watching your weight. Yeah, I watch it. It goes up, sometimes it goes down, that's watching it.
Or being on a diet. Yeah, I'm on a diet. I eat this and that but not that- that's my diet.

I understand cause and effect which is why I am struggling. I understand people choose a certain path and it can lead them to financial success and emotional and relational bankruptcy because I've met people and read up on it (On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). I understand that coming to the end of life and realizing one's miscalculations on the value of where they spent their time can leave a person broken and full of regret. At the end of their life they always wish they'd spent more time with loved ones, cared for others, and taken more risks.

I love things that don't make any money. Riding my motorcycle and being at the gym. Sunshine all the time dries the earth out and things cease to grow.

“We bring a deeper commitment to our happiness when we fully understand, that our time left is limited and we really need to make it count.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

1 comment:

  1. Jesse Horning. Don't ever be normal and continue to fight viciously against the american dream.