All of the photographs I have of Africa are in thin black boxes named after Jungle Book characters, likely forever lost to technology because hard drives wear out. Even the back-ups.
At what point does it become unacceptable to start over, or rather, is it a bad thing to start over too many times... so that you never actually get anywhere at all?
Because that's what being twenty-seven has become. A ream of start-overs and self-inflicted purgatory.
For example, the house had so many nicks holes in the walls you'd think someone came through with a pellet gun. I spackled the walls a couple months ago but with Ellen away in New Zealand I glanced at the walls and decided to begin tonight. There's never a time like the present to make use of post-sparring endorphins.
That's how you start anything. To begin, begin. As Wordsworth said. One of the most defeating mistakes we can make is to assume that because we have never done it before we cannot do it- it's too late, we're not in the right place of mind, athleticism, what have you. Or, worse, that we are afraid of it and should not attempt it.
Failure is the worst. Tonight Coach swept me three times in three minutes with the same sweep set-up. A few rounds later my take-down handicapped friend Malik took me down at least five times in a five minute round which was humbling. Hitting the ground, I mean there's nothing lower. Someone bests you, you give it up, and are down.
Failure is paralyzing and messes your breathing up. It leaves you on your back wondering if you did something wrong to get there and if it is worth getting back up and you can learn from it or you'll just get flattened again. Did I say failure? I meant take-downs.
Failure is different for everyone which causes a myriad of problems and consternation among people because...we have different ideas of success.
Is success always being the one to take someone down or is it getting back up and learning? Obviously, there are times when you need to be the motherfucker taking someone down. In order to be that person, you need to have been taken down yourself. Probably a lot. You need to understand the mechanics. To know what it feels like to hit the floor and have the breath in your lungs yanked out like you're in a fucking vacuum and can't breath. They say you learn more by losing than winning. Which is true. It means you're up against someone stronger, or worse, your own mind which is the hardest battle.
Where we all go wrong is when we use our own definition of failure to define another person's decisions.
My dad considers a lot of things failures that I don't. He considers not having a lot of money saved (to take care of one's self and family, which is inherently good...) a failure. I on the other hand consider having a lot of money and no relationships a failure. Surely someday we'll reclaim the DMZ between us.
It comes down to what is important in life and what we will value much later in life. I've been over-thinking a lot more than usual lately and have realized I still don't want in on what's being sold. I just think there's more is all.